Remembering My Mom

The chilling wind blew as the candle continues to flicker. Under the setting sun and have just finished offering our prayers, my eight year old son wonders how happier our lives could have been if his grand mother is still around. Sitting on the bermuda grass in the memorial park where my dear mother was put to rest 12 years ago. The two of us started to talk about the beautiful woman named LYDIA, a woman with a big heart and a happy disposition in life. My son listened as I ponder and shared to him stories and memories of my mother , he only sees in the pictures at home.

Though my mom left us early in our lives, her memories still lives in our hearts. We lost her due to complications of meningitis. She succumb to this illness when she was just forty-nine years old. Everybody in the family suspected that the ashfalls which she probably inhaled have caused the disease.

It was in the month of July of 1994 when the historic Mt. Pinatubo erupted. The impact in our country was massive not to mention the scale of the damage it caused our planet. Our mother earth's ozone layer was destroyed because of this eruption. Though we live in the city very very far from the volcanic eruption, we we're not spared by the sudden and unsual change in our surroundings. I can vividly recall that day , it was mid day and the sun was suddenly covered by what it seemed to be very dark clouds. Then ashes pour from the sky. My mother wo used to operate a small kiosk more like a gift shop narrated to us her experience of that afternoon and that she have inhaled some of the ashfalls that day. Few days after, she showed symptoms of flu. She complained of terrible head aches and very high fever . She was eventually hospitalized and the doctors initial findings were Thypoid Fever. But after a week , we did not see any progress in her condition, we transferred her to a different hospital. She immediately underwent a CT scan and this time we were informed that she is suffering from TB Meningitis. The doctors operated on my mom and put a tube inside her head to get the fluids from her brain. She went out of the operating room in comatose. We we're all shocked, everything seem to be happening so fast. And the fear of losing her right at that moment suddenly dawned on us.

I was devastated and scared. I plead to God begging Him to extend my mother's life. The doctors told us that her chances are very slim and even if she woke up from coma, they can't be sure if my mother will be her normal self. They even said that she could be blind and paralized afer she gets out of the coma. She stayed in the Intesive Care Unit in this condition for a week.

She gained consiousness after 1 week . Thank God she was not blind but the doctor was right at the other possible outcome. Half of my mother's body was paralyzed, she got a hole on her neck so she can breathe with ease, but this unable her to speak and even mumble words. We stayed in the hospital for three long months. We brought my mom home but she never fully recovered. We cared for her at home and she underwent therapies which all failed in bringing back my mom's normal conditon . Unfortunately after almost four years in battling her sickeness she left us at dawn on January 15 1996.

She may have lived a short life. But that life she definitely lived well. Abundant love, generosity and kindness exudes her being. She raised me and my two siblings well. She left us only good memories and have thought us values that mold us to what we are now. Her contageous laughter was her trademark. She was a jolly person and a faithful friend. All through her ordeal due to her illness, she showed us courage and fighting spirit that was impecable. I know that she herself have bargained to God for an extension of her life. She is indeed a fighter and a believer. A beautiful person inside and out. But to top it all...she is the greatest mother for me.

I always tell my eight year old son that his grand mother in heaven is very proud of him. And that my mom was the reason why he is sooo goodlooking. My mother used to tell me when she was still alive and strong the facial feature that she wanted. And I was so amazed that my son got all of those. His eyes, nose and chin...so perfect and exact as to what my mom used to described to me.

Mom I know that you are still around. Though not physically present, I can feel that you are always with me, guiding me and still loving me. Your memories will never die as my love for you continues to burn inside my heart.

On a Crossroad

Life is like a journey. Some travels are long for others short. But for any journey, we surely come across with some hump and bumps, curves and turns. It's beautiful when we take a long smooth and fine trip as we feel the cool wind kissing us. Somehow it brings us calmness and security. But suddenly we sometime need to stop. We just find ourselves in the middle of a crossroad, and it dawned to us that we are lost. In front of us are arrows pointing us to different directions but the sad part is, it doesn't say where it will be leading us.

I can say that i reached this point in my life now. After i thought that my recent travels through life with many humps and bumps, twist and turns... i thought that i am confident enough and know that i am on the right track. Until now...

Here i am in the middle of nowhere. With questions...too many questions going on inside my head. Where do i go? Should i go back? Should i go on straight ahead or do i have to take a left or right turn?

I am just stuck here still. In the middle of nowhere. Suddenly i realized that i am alone...so much alone.

Fear, anxiety, loneliness, anger, frustration, desperation enveloped my whole being.

But deep inside me is a voice telling me to be brave, that there will be answers to my questions . All i need is to believe in myself and that little voice within me.

Life is a journey indeed, and at this moment i am standing in the middle of a CROSSROAD...but what matters most is the decision i will have to make. I just hope that whatever it is will lead me to where i really want to be.

Frankly Feminine in Me

I give a tribute to my childhood book in this post. When I was just a little girl , I happen to like this book called "frankly feminine". I was really overwhelmed by pictures shown in this book. I felt I wanted to be a lady all at once. I was just around 10years old at that time.

Though living in a third world and having a different culture as what is obviously narrated in the book, it never discouraged me to go on reading it. It however brought me to many different places and situations, it helped me to believe that being a girl has many perks and advantages in life. It was there where I started to believe that one day I will fall in love and feel the completeness of being a woman. Well, I can say is that it did came true. I have learned the ABC's of love and romance in this book. Somehow, it prepares me to what a woman should know and do to be able to keep the romance in her love life.

My hearts tells me to give an ode to this great book of my girlhood. And so I just did. I still have this wonderful book with me and I will definitely share this to my daughter, should the Good Lord blesses me with one in the future.